People are giving up hope on relationships. Too much negativity around it all. Too many hurt feelings, too many broken hearts. An insane amount of fear and insecurity has enveloped the entire discussion around straight relationships, and it seems to be getting worse by the month.
The grifters, the liars, the cheaters. They prey on this dispair to give you a false sense of hope, one which serves only to enrich them before you wise up to their bullshit.
What can you do, really? What needs to change?
I’ve been in a long term relationship for the last 4 years. My boyfriend (John) and I met right before the pandemic on Tinder of all places. Our relationship hasn’t been perfect, but we’ve worked together to make it fulfilling and worth having. We’re very happy together.
I want to share with you how we were able to build such a strong bond together, and the internal work that was necessary for us to not fall into the cruel traps people set up for each other in the dating world.
Identify complimentary core values
To understand this, don’t think about politics– think about what leads to politics. Do you hold total equality as key and so push for communism? Do you believe that a relationship with a deity is paramount, and so hold religious teachings above the wants and needs of any given individual?
My boyfriend and I both hold freedom for the individual as a core value. His reasoning led him to libertarianism while it led me to liberalism. These are different politics and we’ve had a lot of debates on the merits of each and our conclusions on different issues. Because we were both starting from a core value of freedom for the individual, though, we are able to have a more stable relationship.
If I was a very devout Muslim who held my relationship with Allah above all (core value) and wanted to impose Sharia Law (politics) while John retained his individualist values and libertarian politics– this would lead to a lot of arguing. If neither of us changed our core values, it would put massive strain on our relationship.
Core values are where relationships make or break. If your values conflict, you will eventually have problems. Opinions and preferences (I think chocolate is gross, he loves it) really don’t matter to the stability of the relationship so long as they’re respected as opinions and preferences.
How do you understand your partner’s core values? Simple– ask! When John and I were getting to know each other on a deeper level, we watched these Jubilee Middle Ground videos to start conversations. We’d take IDR Labs tests for the same reason.
Yes, a lot of these conversations got heated. We’d yell, “How can you believe that?! Insane!!” but always end the conversations with, “Love you, by the way!” so we knew there were no hard feelings.
The only reason we were able to have these conversations is because we knew ourselves. We knew who we were, who we wanted to be, and WHY. You have to put in the work to understand your value system before you start dating. If you or your partner don’t, then hash it out over a few months. Just be respectful about it.
Our method to identifying core values was to start with the end result and dig to the chief reason why you might believe it. Why do you believe the American Healthcare system should be changed? Why don’t you? Why do you believe more people should be anti-abortion? Why don’t you? Etc etc.
Highlight Personality, then Looks
Beauty is a common insecurity for women. This is because expectations for what is beautiful is always fluctuating and looks are never consistent. If people don’t like a woman, the first thing they do is call her ugly. If a woman is ugly, society acts like there’s something fundamentally wrong with her. If a woman is beautiful, society puts her on a pedestal but still disrespects her as an individual. A real catch-22.
As a result, women have a lot of anxiety about their appearance. In the back of their minds, they’re wondering if you truly like them for who they are, or if you’re sticking around just because she’s hot. If she feels like its the latter, that insecurity manifests into those “Do I look fat in this?” questions where there’s no right answer, which puts a strain on the relationship.
On that note– the solution lies in the “Would you love me if I was a worm?” question (which everyone knows is quite silly). When a woman asks you something like this, she’s really asking, “Are you with me for who I am as a person?” Looks fade… will you leave with them?
Men are much the same. They also struggle with beauty and many are deeply insecure about their perceived masculinity, whether that manifests in fitness or obsessively worrying about bone structure and height.
Here you must ask yourself: What can I say to mitigate these insecurities and fears related to beauty?
Sure, you should definitely be attracted to your partner, but 80% of your compliments should be about their individual actions.
Are they putting in a lot of effort in their career? “Wow babe, love your hustle!”
Are they learning to knit or draw? “Hey, I see a lot of improvement– good to see you’re putting 100% into this!”
Do this in the first few months of the relationship so your partner knows you like her for her, or him for him, and then adjust your compliments based on what he or she responds to the most.
I really admire John’s efforts with his career since he pushes through a lot of stress, so I compliment him on that. I’ve noticed over the years that he responds really well to being called handsome, so when he puts effort into his outfits I tell him, “You look great in that outfit, babe! Great choice!”
Oprah Daily has an amazing article on how to give sincere compliments. It’s a great resource to help you get started.
Show interest in their interests
If you’ve read How to Win Friends and Influence People, you know getting someone to like you is really simple: Be genuinely interested (Principle 1), be a good listener (Principle 4), and sincerely show the other person’s important to you (Principle 6).
In a relationship, your partner should be one of your best friends. Showing interest in someone’s interests and demonstrating that you listened is the best way to do that.
John really likes comics and has recently gotten into Warhammer. When we first met, I didn’t really pay attention to any of this stuff, so I tried to understand WHY he liked these things.
His passion made me happy so I decided to give DC a try. I watched Red Son and now I’m a big Superman fan (at least the animated stuff).
I still have zero intention of consistently reading the comics or delving too deep into Marvel and DC, and I think Warhammer is too depressing… but the important thing is that I’m not putting him down for liking these things. I’m affirming his interests and showing I’m willing to integrate them into who I am.
Another aspect of making your partner your best friend is showing that you listened to them.
I am really into cute things, Pokemon, and art. I mentioned that a couple times early on in our relationship, so John started sharing with me videos of cute animals doing cute things. He also knows that I hate all social media beyond Reddit and YouTube, so he followed a bunch of artists on Twitter and Instagram who post the content I like to see. (Zakochirashi is a favorite!)
When you’re in the “getting to know you” stage of a relationship, doing stuff like this really demonstrates that you’re a conscientious and supportive partner. You don’t have to love everything your partner loves– you just have to show you listened when they told you they love it.
You & Me vs The Problem
If you’re noticing core values which are leading to conflicts– bring it up.
If you’re not getting as many compliments as you’d like– bring it up.
If you’re upset that your partner’s not showing interest in your hobbies– bring it up.
If you don’t bring up the problems in your relationship and you let them fester in the back of your mind rather than addressing them, you WILL begin to resent your partner.
Resentment is a slow killer. It makes you miserable and it makes you bitter.
Difficult discussions are a given in a long-term relationship. People aren’t mind readers, and people aren’t perfect. Except for the most obvious social faux-pas, there are way more opportunities for people to step on each others’ nerves than you think.
The moment you notice a Problem, you need to pause and think about 1) why you’re upset about it and 2) how to best communicate this to your partner.
My advice: Use “I” statements to explain the problem, and use “We” statements to propose a solution. This reduces the chances of your partner getting defensive and maintains the focus on The Problem.
- I Statement: I feel EMOTION when REASON. “I feel isolated when you put off our plans to hang out with your friends.”
- We Statement: Can we ACTION to help both of us feel EMOTION? “Can we block out times for just the two of us to help both of us feel more connected?”
Once you’ve figured out what you want to say, wait for a calmer time in your day to bring it up. Stay calm and don’t yell. It helps to start with “I love you, and I just wanted to bring this up…” and to end with “Thanks for hearing me out. Love you.”
ONCE YOU HAVE DONE THIS, back off. Think about what just happened: you have had time to think about how you feel, why you feel that way, and a possible solution. By the time you bring it up to your partner, this is the first time they’ve heard of it.
Give them time to process.
Conflict is a normal part of every human connection. It only becomes an issue when people start to feel defensive and let their emotions blind them from the goal of solving The Problem.
But let’s say you try this again and again, and your partner just isn’t listening. Well, this is where self respect comes in.
Nobody loves a doormat
The redpillers are right about one thing– nobody loves a simp (aka a doormat).
The only people who like simps are bums, abusers, the insecure, and the narcissistic (which is why redpillers prefer doormat women). But none of these people love simps.
You cannot love someone who you don’t respect.
When I see someone who has no self respect, I feel a deep revulsion in the pit of my stomach. I wonder what the hell happened to you to make you this shadow of a person. I want to stay away from you because I don’t want to be associated with you. I believe everyone feels this to some level.
We have to discuss self respect because it’s one of the most critical aspects of long term relationships, yet conversations about it seem very shallow to me. This is partly because dictionary definitions for respect are kind of vague.
I define respect as:
- Acknowledgement of the HUMANITY of The Other. That is, an understanding that The Other is as complex and multifaceted as you are, with their own wants, dreams, insecurities, flaws, talents, etc
- Demonstrating that acknowledgement by treating The Other with the amount of dignity you would hope to be treated with
Thus, self respect is:
- Acknowledgement of the HUMANITY of YOU. That is, an understanding that YOU are as complex and multifaceted as anyone else, with your own wants, dreams, insecurities, flaws, talents, etc
- Demonstrating that acknowledgement by treating YOU with the amount of dignity you would hope others treat you with
You build self respect in a similar fashion as how you determine your core values: start with the end result and dig to the chief reason why you might believe it. In the context of human relationships, you start with different scenarios (A, B, C). Ask yourself how you would react to those situations, explain WHY you believe that’s the right course of action, and WHY a different reaction is incorrect.
- Are there foods or drinks I won’t have?
- What types of sexual intimacy am I comfortable with?
- How much time would I like to reserve just for myself every day/week/etc.?
Through this line of questioning, you will develop an understanding of your needs and boundaries. You will also have a better eye for when those needs and boundaries are being ignored.
If your needs and boundaries are being ignored and you’ve tried You & Me vs The Problem multiple times… do you have the self respect to say no more?
A healthy long term relationship is one where each partner has respect for themselves and each other. Compromise is a natural part of any relationship, but you should never compromise on your dignity and self respect.
You must have the respect for each other and yourselves to work to stop toxicity, codependency, situationships, enabling, etc.
It’s a two-way street
We’re highly evolved apes who are trying to figure life out. Part of our evolutionary core values is reciprocation. If you make a deal and don’t hold up your end of the bargain, you partner is right to get pissed off!
By entering a long term relationship, you and your partner are making an agreement that you:
- Have complimentary core values
- Like the person for who they are
- Are willing to integrate parts of who they are into yourself
- Want to solve issues collaboratively
- Respect them
Nobody is perfect. There will be bumps in the road. But you can work it out.
If you go in looking for excuses to distrust, looking for justification to vilify, you will fail to have the kind of relationship worth having. You’re better off alone. It’s people like this who hurt others and make the dating landscape the hellhole of pettiness and insecurity that it is.
If you have been hurt by others, you need to make a choice to either work through the emotional trauma you’ve gone through, or use that hurt as an excuse to spread more pain. The choice is firmly in your hands.